In this 4 part PAVA exclusive series, a survivor reflects on her experience, examines how we acknowledge Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and suggests how we move forward.

In last week’s article, we heard of the evolution of this author from Victim to Survivor to Warrior.  In the final week of this 4 part series hear her call for action.

 As we close out Domestic Violence Awareness Month, you have now heard about the variety of experiences that compelled me to share my story.  Why would I do this you might ask.  Even someone very close to me asked, “Why would you put yourself through this, reliving this again?”  Why???  I do this because it takes ACTION to push the status quo.

 

In NY, brave Survivors, their advocates, and a State legislator were willing to suggest that strangulation is not only unacceptable, but it should be a felony.  It seems so sensible, but it was also a provocative notion.  No bruises, no scratches, no broken bones, no obvious signs that something awful happened….yet it is one of the most dangerous forms of abuse.  No noticeable evidence was what a perpetrator could rely on.   The Survivors’ actions of telling their stories, the actions of advocates, medical professionals, law enforcement, District Attorneys and politicians willing to take a risk, all led to new laws in NY.  This is a step toward accountability and justice.

Although there have been significant changes that have pushed justice for survivors forward, it has not been enough.

This law was passed about a year after my attack and after that, I would, and still today, see the news articles that show a mugshot along with the perpetrator’s felony charges.  THAT perpetrator had to answer to someone!  I thought how I wish that was the outcome in my case.  I’m sure there are Survivors now with their own stories wondering what it takes to have justice.  We need to remember how important it is to ACT!

 

What does it mean to act?  It’s not just about advocating for legal changes, although that is extremely important, but it may not be within reach for many. I wonder if people understand how their personal actions, even if they seem insignificant, can equate to accountability for perpetrators and support for Survivors.

 

What can you do?  The support piece is the easy part.

• If your friend is a Survivor, listen to her story if she is ready to tell.
• Go along to appointments that might be hard for a Survivor on her own. Even running errands with someone can help her feel secure.
• Help her find joy again. Survivors are busy surviving (makes sense, right) and often set aside hobbies or leisure activities that bring them joy…go for a walk, see a movie, play a game, go window shopping, to a museum, or out for coffee.  Maybe she is artistic…take a dance or art class together.
• She may be embarrassed to admit resources are low. Bring her a meal, some food for her pet, or a bag of ingredients to make her favorite recipe.  The extras that sometimes are cut can mean so much, like cosmetics or a haircut.
• Find something to laugh at!
• What makes her feel important and valued? When she is ready, encourage her to pursue those interests.

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Those are just a few examples of actions of support that help lift up a Survivor.  So now let’s talk about the trickier category of actions, actions that support accountability of a perpetrator.

 

Most are not brave enough to take these actions and this has been even more frustrating for me than anything else that I went through.  I have come to learn that those who continue to befriend and support a perpetrator are far worse than the perpetrator themselves.  Their lack of action reinforces the perpetrator’s way of life.  It usually results in a codependency that fuels each other in an unhealthy way.

 

We have seen actions of accountability play out in public life recently.  Hollywood has boycotted those in the entertainment field accused of assault.  Politicians have been pressured to resign (ironically, this has happened to the NY Attorney General who sponsored the strangulation legislation when he was a State Senator).  Then there is the high profile story of USA Gymnastics and the arrest of the Doctor trusted to help athletes.  In these instances, someone came forward, someone listened, and someone acted.

 

Ask yourself this question:  If you were aware that a perpetrator had a business, would you patronize that business?  Take it a step further.  How would you feel if your daughter worked there?

 

What would you do?

 

You are just one person you say and what difference would that make?  What if the first gymnast that came forward asked that?  Does that make you think?  Your actions to speak loudly and boldly!

 

What if you learned your Doctor was a perpetrator?  Would you continue to trust this doctor with your health and well-being?  Would you send your child to that doctor?

 

What if your child’s teacher was a perpetrator?  Would you stand for this?  Would you speak up?

 

What about a coach?  If a coach was a perpetrator against a partner, would that matter to you?  If the coach was highly regarded in their specialty, would you justify sending a loved one to work with that coach or would you walk away?   Would you turn your back on the truth for personal gain?  Many do.

 

If you were invited to be a part of a team or event that could get you recognition in some form, would you join that team/event if the leader is a perpetrator?  What if your kids were asked to join the team or be a part of an event?  Would you gamble exposing your children to these values to boost your own ego?

 

What are the consequences of your actions?  Are you supporting positive, productive causes that bring out the best in others or are you perpetuating the sickness that the perpetrator thrives upon?

 

This is even playing out in powerlifting today, my beloved sport where I grew into adulthood, formed friendships and gained self-confidence….and also through which I met my attacker.  Power Against Violence and Abuse (PAVA) was born out of the premise that awareness is not enough.  Speaking up and acting is the only way to affect long lasting change.

 

Know that you have power and your actions fuel change!  I challenge you in your daily life to support Survivors.  You too can be a Warrior….Listen, Think, Support and ACT!