In this 4 part PAVA exclusive series, a survivor reflects on her experience, examines how we acknowledge Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and suggests how we move forward.

 

In last week’s article, we focused on what awareness looks like from a survivor’s perspective.  In week 2 of this 4 week series, we learn of the experiences of a survivor and the terrifying attack which led to a life changing decision to protect herself.

 

I have started and stopped this article many times.  I know each survivor has a story to tell.  I recognize how important one story can be to someone going through a similar situation, but I wonder where do I even start?  How in the world is it possible to explain how you found yourself in the position as a victim?  As a survivor?  I look back and I think, how DID I get here?

 

My story as a Survivor starts as a story of a victim, a young woman eager to explore life, open to many possibilities.  As a strength athlete, this led me to some great adventures, which included meeting others that were just as full of life.  I met my guy through our mutual love of competition.  At that time he was kind of a big deal in our sport’s subculture and I was ranked near the top of the female athletes, so it seemed like a great match….an exciting “power couple” if you will.

 

We were from different states, but that did not stand in the way of a budding relationship.  We started by traveling to see each other or arranging a fun weekend by meeting somewhere in the middle.  It was a rush, and we seemed invincible.  We laughed a lot, we engaged in what seemed like deep conversations, we shared ideas, and did some training together.  He began to help me achieve goals in my training and we grew closer through this.

 

He was intense, and seemed interested in my success, I thought, and as we ran through drills he insisted on repeating exercises over and over until perfected, and this was common for everyone.  He raised his voice at me, just like everyone else, when I did not perform well.  I saw myself as part of a team and I believed we were a team.

 

I was working Monday through Friday and traveling many weekends, then every weekend.  I did not spend as much time with my friends or family.  He said he missed me so much during the week and it was getting hard.  I felt loved and needed.

 

Over time the traveling became difficult for many reasons…finances, time, work commitments, schedules and the weekends went by quickly.  As weekends came to a close, frustrations grew.  He pushed me to the ground one weekend, but that was not normal.  There finally came a day when I was leaving at the end of the weekend to come home and he tried to convince me to stay, but I was obligated to work the next day.  As I was about to walk out the door, he threw my suitcase over my head and down the stairs, bending the long pull handle of the bag.  I was startled, and an ultimatum was issued.  Wow, this guy is serious!  I knew he wanted me to be there and was frustrated, so I justified that action.

 

Eventually, I left a very stable job with a promising future and moved six hours away with my most valuable possession, my cat!  I had to take a few steps back in terms of career, but I was a hard worker and figured I could find opportunity.  I moved into two rooms with a hot plate and many of my belonging stored, as there was no room.  But that was OK, we were together, and now there was a bright future ahead!

 

Over the coming years, a raised voice became screaming, a push became a punch, a grab became a kick.  I was pushed into walls, furniture, and to the floor.  The day I learned my grandmother died I spent time on the phone with my father.  He was so angry that he pushed me to the floor and kicked me so hard in the arms that they were black, blue, purple and red for over a week.  I had to cover them as best I could and made an excuse of being injured in a training accident when it was noticed.

 

While doing some home improvements, he became frustrated with me and while I was painting, pulled me off of the scaffolding and to the floor.

 

He threw household objects at me like plates, shoes, and bottles. When I was leaving to visit my family for the holidays he turned over the living room furniture and pulled all of dishes that were in the dish strainer to the floor, breaking them.

 

Verbal intimidation, shaming and degrading remarks became common.  He spit in my face.  I was called “cunt, trash, piece of shit.”  Sometimes I was given the silent treatment for days.  There were threats.  Sometimes they were specific, like he could kill me and no one would ever be able to find me.  He told me my blood could be on his hands if he really wanted and he should just take a knife and stab me.

 

I tried hard to take any action that I remembered having a positive reaction.  Many times that worked, and we would have great times that felt like sheer joy…and relief.

 
This levitra vardenafil unica-web.com will ease stiffness and pain in the joints and the kidneys. levitra cialis viagra It also becomes tiring after a while you might also see a reduction in fine lines and wrinkles. As erectile problems began to become more and more common, a lot of medicines to cure these erectile problems came into the market. sildenafil from india Continued However, it should be avoided by men who have had a seizure have listening to issues have hemophilia or a bleeding issue have hypotension (low pulse) or (hypertension have liver or kidney ailment; have history of heart assault or stroke; have touchiness to any of the add-ins in Kamagra; suffer from low or hypertension; are a male under 18 or in excess of 65 years. Recommended unica-web.com cost of viagra
The good times were so good, and the bad times were awful.  There were so many positives I remembered and leaned on and I held on to hope.  After all there was so much potential, and I moved far away for this.  I HAD to make this work and I am not a quitter!!

 

Then came the day that I had to go out of town for work training.  While there, he hacked into my email account and was upset because there were male contacts in my email list.  When I got home I was met with accusations and anger and he left the house and did not come back that night.  He determined that I must have left town to cheat.  Over the next couple days the house was filled with the most stress and tension I ever felt.  My gut told me this was very different this time.

 

Friday rolled around and I knew I could have a couple hours of peace, as he always met with a group of guys to train with.  I stayed late at work, picked up some groceries and Chinese food, and headed home.

 

I arrived around 6 PM and there was no sign of him…no car in the driveway and lights were off, so I was good.  I brought some bags inside and saw a note on the counter for me…more insults…expected!  I went back out to my car for take out food and when I re-entered the home he was standing there.  Silent.  And it startled me.  I discovered later that he drove his vehicle to the back of the home to hide it.  We argued and then separated to de-escalate.  I went to the bedroom and he started to drink heavily (an entire bottle of whiskey).

 

I was laying in bed at around midnight when I felt him come in a nudge me with his elbow.  I left the room. I just wanted to be left alone.  He followed me to the living room and said he wanted to talk.  I told him NO, because he had been drinking.  He demanded to talk.  I stood up and he pushed me down to the couch.  I tried two more times, then moved around him when he reached over and flipped a table, coming after me again.  He then got behind me, wrapping an arm around my head and another around my neck, squeezing me in a chokehold.  I could feel my face numb and my vision narrowed.  My lips felt like they were going to fall asleep and burst.

 

I came to on the floor and he was standing over me, breathing heavily like a wild animal.

I did not know where I was or what had happened for a moment, until I looked around the room and saw the disarray.  I tasted blood in my mouth then realized what happened.  I stood up and reached for a portable phone, which was on the table next to me.  Only he grabbed the phone from me, throwing it against a wall and pieces flew to the floor.  He came at me again and put me back in the chokehold.  He said to me, “This is when you die bitch!”  I believed him.  I struggled and screamed, and finally broke away.

 

I walked calmly, slowly to the bedroom.  He stood in front of me.  I then just walked away as if I was just going to sit down.  He took a step in the other direction and I ran to the door and to my neighbor’s home.  He screamed, “Don’t call the cops!”  It was late and my neighbors did not hear me knock on the door, but it was open and I went inside, but no one responded.  I walked out of the house and to the dark backyard, pressing my body against the house so he could not see me.

 

I heard his vehicle pull out quickly and I ran to my house, grabbed my purse and cell phone.  I found it interesting that the furniture was put back into place and the phone was no longer on the floor.  I ran back to the neighbor’s and from there I called nearby friends and they drove me to the Sheriff’s Department.

 

In the rural County in which I reside, I had a four hour wait to speak with someone.  There were only 2 officers for the whole county.  I am exhausted, I am shaking, I am crying, I am in shock, and I am traumatized.

 

I recounted the attack, signed my statement and as the Sheriff’s considered charges, one suggested attempted murder.  As I heard that, I sobbed uncontrollably and realized, I could have DIED!

 

I left the Sheriff’s Department with a Temporary Order of Protection and stayed with my friends that night.  It was the first time in years I actually felt like I controlled my life.  I had NO idea of the lack of control I would have over the events to come.

 

This may seem like I was on a road to start a new chapter, but this was only the beginning!

 

In next week’s Part 3, this survivor will share the her experience in navigating systems and her community following this attack, and how these experiences inspired the establishment of PAVA.