It’s Domestic Violence Awareness Month: So Now What?

Part 3: Hey Survivor, You Must be a Warrior!

In this 4 part PAVA exclusive series, a survivor reflects on her experience, examines how we acknowledge Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and suggests how we move forward.

In last week’s article, we heard this survivor’s story of how her relationship evolved into a violent power inequity that culminated with a terrifying attack.  Finally, out of the horror of the attack, swift actions led her to a new life and out of the relationship….or did it?  In week 3 of this 4 week series, the story continues on and we hear how the battle has only started.

On TV and in the movies (even those melodramatic cable TV movies), it seems so matter of fact, even if it takes some time:

• Attackers are arrested. They are charged and go to jail.
• Professionals help victims. They are compassionate and empower the survivor.
• The courts are there to serve timely justice and seek the truth.
• When perpetrators fail to follow court orders, they are brought back to answer to their actions.
• The survivor repairs her life and moves on.

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In these scenarios, the survivor is on a gradual path to healing as these pieces fall into place.  My path was peppered with detours, steep climbs, 360 degree turns, and side roads that put me farther back than where I started.

 

Why is it important to share?  Well, if you have ever watched those TV movies you sure do have a skewed view of a Survivor.  Living through the violence is NOTHING when you put it up against real life in the aftermath of the violence.  Survivors, you better be prepared to be a Warrior!

 

I have to say, this whole experience could really be a book, and so I will share a sampling of what is really like to live in the shoes of a Survivor.

 

Sheriff’s Deputy to me as a I pick up the official copy of my Order of Protection the day after the attack:  “I’m a good judge of character and he feels bad and really wants to make this work.  If he does this all the time and you have had enough, that’s fine, but it’s something to think about.”

Ophthalmologist to me when he’s about to examine my eyes for damage after the strangulation, “So I see you got yourself into a little trouble!”

When I realized my Temporary Order of Protection was only good for a month, I ask, “What do I need to do next?”  There is no Victim Advocate: that position was cut.  There are calls, emails, visits to the DA’s Office.  I was lucky enough to work in the same building as the DA and that did not matter.  There is an assistant who tries to help, but can only do so much.  Voice mails are full, calls are not returned.  My frustration turns to worry, then anger, and fear!

All the while, I come home from work every day and wonder if it is safe to go inside.  I walk around the perimeter of the house, just in case he is there and tries to hide again.  I walk cautiously through my house with my flashlight in hand, checking the basement, closet, behind doors, and in the garage and storage areas.  It is hard to relax…I must be a Warrior!

Court dates are scheduled and I am not informed.  I make my wishes know to the DA, almost on a daily basis, in writing, that I want to be informed and I want them to take my attack seriously.  I want to be protected.  The court allowed my Order of Protection to lapse for a few days at one point, and when this was corrected, I was told I needed to provide his new address to serve the updated order.  I’m supposed to keep track of the person who did this to me???  I told them where he worked and the response was they need to know “where he sleeps.”

WHAT?  Yes, we’re only getting started.

When he sends friends to my house telling me he wants to apologize, I don’t need to be afraid and he has had a wake up call, I am terrified.  And I need to be a Warrior!

When he breaks into my house, steals my cat, and the police will do nothing, this Survivor must become a Warrior.

An order is issued allowing my attacker to retrieve his belongings….only I find out an hour before the time on the order.  I ask the Sheriff what happens if I can’t leave work.  I am told, “Then we’ll just have to break down the door.”

I had to be a Warrior when I found out my attacker called my father, begging for forgiveness and outlining the life he wants with me.

This was all in the first month and a half following my attack!

Over the next 16 months, the frustrations would continue.  There are discussions of plea deals and a possible trial.  I am willing to testify, but it is clear that the DA’s office wants to resolve without a trial.  His attorney reports he has taken anger management and has had an evaluation, but can not produce proof.  I connect with a local Domestic Violence program and I have an advocate come with me to meet with the DA.  The DA’s office reviews what they could require.  I stress the importance of accountability to me.  I want the message to be loud and clear that strangling someone is serious, not acceptable, and he needs to answer to his actions.

How does that turn out?  A plea deal to Disorderly Conduct, a non-criminal violation, along with a $150 fine.  No probation, no program requirements, no community service. My panic attacks, flashbacks, anxiety and fear are worth $150?  Not acceptable!  To stay strong, I must be a Warrior!

I did get a 2 year Order of Protection.  I think that at least I have that protection.  At least that is the ONLY connection we had and I can truly move on.

A few days before Christmas that year, I am served with a Civil Lawsuit by this evil excuse for a human, that turns into another 7 years of torture, court motions, depositions where I am subjected to being in the same room with my smug attacker.  I have no choice but to be a Warrior!

As that all begins to unfold, I start receiving text messages from a number I am unfamiliar with asking for closure.  Then came the phone calls.  The first I did not answer, the second I picked up and said nothing and heard, “Hello, Hello, Hello” on the other end.  Days later, I received messages from a number I knew and they were unwelcome.  I filed a police report, but they did not take action.  I learned that there is a way for someone to text from one number and make the caller ID appear to be another number.  Even my phone records were not proof enough.

Then came the night I received 32 text messages between 1 and 2 AM.  I did not respond to any but there were so many and surely the content would be proof that he violated the Order of Protection, but the result was the same.  Zero accountability after repeated violations.  I feel powerless and terrified.  Come on Warrior, keep fighting!

Following these incidents, my attorney advised me to buy a digital recorder and keep it on me at all times.  I did just that.  One day my phone rang and the caller ID said that the number was not known.  I got a sinking feeling, a visceral gut instinct and I pulled out the recorder…it was him.  I recorded him trying to convince me to meet, repeatedly apologizing but admitting to nothing.  I hung up, shaking, but knowing this could be the evidence I need to finally hold my attacker accountable.  Yes, Warrior!

To be disappointed at the outcome is the worst understatement and I have no words to describe my emotions.  I am first told that he will be arrested, then that arrangements were made to arrest him on a Monday because he was working!  Since when does one get the luxury of deciding WHEN to get arrested?  Monday came and went and I asked what was going on.  The bad news came…the final order was never served; therefore, law enforcement felt charges would not stick. No arrest AND even after my attorney’s efforts, the order was never served.

Justice was not served, but I was served well.  The Victim grew into a Survivor and now she IS a Warrior!

Next week in the final installment in this PAVA series, hear this Survivor/Warrior’s call to action!  What can YOU do?