It’s Domestic Violence Awareness Month: So Now What?

Part 1: I Am Aware

In this 4 part PAVA exclusive series, a survivor reflects on her experience, examines how we acknowledge Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and suggests how we move forward.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Many of us know this because of the purple ribbon Facebook banners, a story streaming through our newsfeed, or maybe even through a local event sponsored by a women’s shelter.

OK, so I think it is safe to say that most everyone is aware that violence is perpetrated in some intimate partner relationships. Great, we know this…so now what? What exactly are we AWARE of?

Over the last nine years my awareness has expanded in a way that I could never imagine. You see, nine years and one month ago I found myself at a crossroads. I finally had the terrifying awakening needed to take action to protect myself. I was also up against a wall of a culture that my community and American society in general has built over time. As I scaled each brick of this mighty wall in a fight for my life and for my freedom, my awareness grew with every step.

My story is for another day, so stay tuned for that. Since we are in early October and focused on awareness, let me describe what I am now aware of:

I am aware that a Survivor can be anyone:

A friend you would least expect
A coworker you talk to every day
Someone who seems to be in a caring, loving, long-term relationship
Someone who is bruised and shows other physical signs, OR NOT
An educated professional
An intelligent and strong-willed individual
A seemingly successful and happy person
A physically strong athlete who can seem to hold her own
Me

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I am aware that a Perpetrator of Abuse can be anyone:

A helpful stranger who greets you with a smile
A trusted friend
An outgoing, charismatic, and fun-loving person
A community member who portrays an image of a successful business person
Your child’s coach
Your friendly neighbor
A popular co-worker
A partner who shows overt affection to their partner in public
A person who claims their love of their partner to anyone in earshot
A seemingly kind person who does favors for those in their inner circle
My fiancé

I am aware that law enforcement officers talk to victim after victim who are too afraid to take action, then when a survivor comes with an urgent need for law enforcement to act, they are reluctant and jaded to fully follow through due to their previous experience.

I am aware that medical professionals may not be trained in how to care for and converse with a survivor. They may make assumptions, ask triggering questions, and fail to provide the necessary follow up to allow the survivor access to critical care and services.

I am aware that because there is not another person in the room when the violence occurs, survivors are prime to be labeled as liars and story tellers who embellish.

I am also aware that perpetrators often have an interesting account of “what REALLY happened” and many are reluctant to challenge that.

I am aware that a Good Old Boy Network dynamic is alive and well in my community. It is real and is not interested in justice.

I am aware that judges and lawyers will favor a choice that best supports their future.

I am aware that a young associate in the DA’s office who will listen to the facts is worth less than one who will blindly follow orders.

I am aware that an Order of Protection can be violated multiple times without action.

I am aware that keeping vital information about a case from a Survivor is a tactic to push through lenient outcomes for perpetrators.

I am aware that the justice system is not used to and does not have a playbook for Survivors who are persistent, do their research, and continue to fight for what is right.

I am aware that a perpetrator will escalate their pattern of abuse when there is little consequence.

I am aware that while having an advocate is comforting, they are powerless.

I am aware that my circle of friends is much smaller than I believed and now I am perfectly fine with that and grateful for the truth.

I am aware that despite how horrific and damaging the actions are against a survivor, there will be an army of supporters who stand by the perpetrator. After all, “That is not the person I know. They would never do something like that!”

I am aware that those who stand by the perpetrator have a weakness in themselves and are just as dangerous, if not worse than the perpetrator, for they support the person in their sickness, allowing the cycle to live on.

I am aware that those who knew of the violence may voice support for the survivor, but most likely are not capable or not willing to fully support what is needed.

I am aware that even years later, the traumatic effects of abuse and my attack still linger, impacting ability to connect with others, triggering hyper-awareness, affecting sleep, and awakening feelings that are projected onto loved ones.

I am aware that being a Survivor is your greatest asset. You will be alone in your struggle most of the time, you will want to give up many times, and when you come out on the other side, regardless of what you lost or gained, you will be empowered and capable of great change!

I am aware that having friends and loved ones who are patient, listen, and give the space to try to understand and then take a stand, will be the best allies in the battle for what is right.

Next week, Part 2 in the series will recount this survivor’s story and how this inspired the start of Power Against Violence and Abuse.